Versailles: No Sex Please, We’re American

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Have you noticed? Yeah. We were promised loads of hot historical costume sex in the Versailles series — the British press screamed about it all during the show’s summer 2016 run. But NOOOOOOOOOOO. American basic cable has cut away from a whole lot of skin. Sure, we get kissing — including Phillipe and Chevalier’s gay kisses, thanks for not being that prudish — but barely a side-boob from the ladies, much the less any full-frontal from the fellas. The Daily Mail cried “nudity galore,” a conservative MP complained the show had the “most graphic sex scenes in British TV history,” and I feel cheated!

Folks, what we have here is a case of censorship, or more precisely bowdlerizing. Named for the 19th-century prude Thomas Bowlder who rewrote Shakespeare to make it family-friendly, bowdlerizing seems to have fallen by the wayside across the pond, but it’s sadly still in fashion here in the old U.S. of A. I’d hope basic cable would be a little more immune, and really how could Ovation have not known what they were getting in Versailles?!?

 

Sex and Nudity in Versailles That Americans Are Missing

OK, true confessions, we here at Frock Flicks have access to the UK version, so we’re actually watching both. That’s why we know about the cuts, and we feel your pain! We suspect that when the series eventually makes it to Netflix, Versailles might not be censored, but there’s no guarantee. In the meantime, we’re going to rundown some of what Ovation has left on the cutting room floor in the show’s trip from Europe to America.

Episode 1: Dream Sequence Henriette Making Orange Juice With the King

What, two minutes in? Sure, Americans saw Louie’s dream montage with him and Henriette dancing around in the Hall of Mirrors and there was a little bit in bed. But boobs, bonking, and squeezing an orange over the royal naked chest? Nope for the U.S.

Versailles (2016)

Sure, every king has a dream sequence like this.

Versailles (2016)

But orange juice? Haven’t heard of that kink before. Whatever floats your boat, Louie.

 

Henriette’s Wet Chemise and Sex Scene With the King

As previously discussed, we didn’t see the nipples, much the less actual sex. A kiss and they were done, according to Ovation!

Versailles (2016)

Obligatory side boob.

Versailles (2016)

Afternoon delight.

 

The Whole Tax Collector Whorehouse Sex and Violence

First, there’s walk-by of a bunch of scummy, lower-class, half-naked prostitutes, and then the guy screwing one of the ladies gets his hand chopped off. Hardly any of this made it to Ovation, but it’d be just another day in Westros on Game of Thrones on HBO.

Versailles (2016)

Impressive that the whore is getting oral sex instead of giving.

 

Episode 2: The King and Henriette vs. Phillipe’s Cross-Dressing Fight

There’s only one big graphic part of this episode, and U.S. audiences really get ripped off. We saw Henriette unlace her corset, the scene cuts to Phillipe shopping for a dress, there’s a brief cut back to the King and Henriette making out, then we just get Phillipe in drag, nearly killing a guy. Yet the original version is high drama with cuts back and forth between the King and Henriette fucking and Phillipe kicking ass. It’s pretty awesome.

Versailles (2016)

Mad props for all the women receiving oral sex so far.

Don’t worry, we’ll address the corsets worn by both Henriette and Phillipe at some point. Oh yes, we will!

 

Episode 3: The King and Henriette’s Sex on a Sofa

Now, here’s where Ovation backtracks. The scene looks basically the same, with all the naked long-shots during their little conversation as they screw around. Why was this sex OK, but Americans couldn’t see any of their pool house nookie in episode 1? Wuh?

Versailles (2016)

More boobs.

 

The King’s Flashback to His First Sex Tutor

Ovation gives a side/back view only when Madame de Beauvais drops her robe and reveals all to a very young (12- 14-year-old?) Louis in this little memory. Thanks, Mom!

Versailles (2016)

“Your mom sent me,” is probably the least sexy come-on line ever.

Versailles (2016)

Really, how old is this kid?

 

As the series goes on, there are fewer full sex scenes. That makes sense because Versailles has basically established who’s fucking who (y’know, until that changes). But there’s still pre- and post-coital scenes, and I bet there will be more nudity in the European version than the American one, plus ye olde wet-chemise swimming and the like. Ovation is now promoting an “extended version” viewable on Ovation on-demand, so if you have access via your cable system, maybe that’ll show the goods.

Versailles (2016)

 

Are you annoyed with Ovation’s censorship of the sex in Versailles? 

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